Welcome to my depression that is the first weekend after the NASCAR season. To replace it, we got a wild weekend in the NFL that saw an insane finish and playoff pictures tightening up. Let’s get into it.
Colts 34 – Titans 17
The Titans are in the middle of a titan collapse as they have lost three of their last four games. The passing game isn’t there, the defense is getting obliterated to the equivalence of what the asteroid did to the dinosaurs, and Derrick Henry is still good, but he can’t carry the weight of 51 underachievers.
Philip Rivers had one of his best games since joining Indy, but I’m sending all the middle fingers to Nyheim Hines, who decided to be a fantasy wizard in a season where I have all my backs on IR. GAHHHHHHHH.
Texans 7 – Browns 10
The weather deserved a penalty flag for being brutal in Cleveland, but it wasn’t going to stop Big Chub and Kickher Hunt from being the scariest two-headed backfield monster in recent NFL memory. However, the angry mob of fantasy owners and bettors made Chubb public enemy No. 1 as he ran out of bounds at the end of the game instead of taking it to the house.
Washington 27 – Lions 30
Alex Smith could have played without a leg and Detroit still would have found a way to nearly blow a game that shouldn’t have been close. What is this team? A roster that has wild-card contender written all over it, yet the on-field product shows a team that protects a lead just as well as Philip Rivers uses protection in bed.
Detroit is still an absolute mess and Fat Patricia’s time has expired.
Buccaneers 46 – Panthers 23
Another week without Christian McCaffrey:
Eagles 17 – Giants 27
There’s the duality of man, but let me introduce you to the duality of a division. The Giants, Washington something? and the Cowboys own the three worst records in the NFC, yet are still very much in contention to win the division and earn a home playoff game in January. We’ve never seen anything quite like this and I don’t know whether to be impressed by the contrast or to be so disgusted that I send an email to NFL communications begging to erase the NFC East from a playoff spot.
Jaguars 20 – Packers 24
Let’s be honest, the Packers are not that good. They, most likely, should have lost to the second-worst team in the league. Unfortunately, the football gods have too much of a hard-on for some Wisconsin meat and it was never going to be possible for Green Bay to be awarded an embarrassing L.
Bills 30 – Cardinals 32
I’m at a loss for words for how bad these teams are at clock management and caring for the ball. Neither team seemed interested in winning on Sunday. Josh Allen kept handing the ball back to Arizona, but Kliff Kingsbury was perfectly fine with sharing in the fourth quarter. While the talent is clearly there, and Kyler Murray and DeAndre Hopkins are the most exciting QB-WR duo in football, there’s a lack of maturity and discipline that I see from both teams that should have fans concerned heading into December. I’m not impressed.
Chargers 21 – Dolphins 29
Justin Herbert is going to win Rookie of the Year with a team that might go 4-12. It’s asinine how little Anthony Lynn and co. want to get this man a win.
On the other side, Brian Flores remains the best head coach in football and Tua may be able to lead the 305 fish to the postseason — dare I say division title?
Broncos 12 – Raiders 37
‘Twas beautiful scenes of glorious joy and emotion as Josh Jacobs and the Raiders offensive line obliterated the lowly Denver defense. After all the dancing and showboating, Drew Lock was proven by the RAIDERS DEFENSE, of all units, to be exposed as one of the worst signal-callers in the league. GET OUTTA HERE, YOU BUM.
Seahawks 16 – Rams 23
Trouble continues in Cascadia as the Seahawks were treated by the Rams in the same way Boise State’s football field treats birds. DK Metcalf was a no-show and it was the end of Russell Wilson’s day. We now are set up for a wild run for the NFC West title as three teams are even at 6-3.
Bengals 10 – Steelers 36
The Steelers finally had an impressive performance against a bad team. Congrats, I guess? One positive I can give them is that their steady defense bodes well heading into the winter.
49ers 13 – Saints 27
The crab legs are now steaming with some cajun seasoning as Jameis Winston will take over for an injured Drew Brees. Is this the changing of the guard in the Bayou? Will Brees ever return after having his guts ruined over the past couple of weeks by a handful of men? (PAUSE).
Ravens 17 – Patriots 23
BREAKING NEWS: Quarterback that runs a lot plays poorly after using his arm for once
Lamar Jackson is not a quarterback that can lead his team from adversity. When New England went out in front, that was all she wrote. It’s time for Baltimore to get the hint and either force this guy to trust his arm or get him out before he runs the team out of the postseason.
Vikings 19 – Bears 13