Now, I was gone all weekend covering NASCAR championship weekend at Phoenix Raceway, so I wasn’t able to watch any games — thank God for NFL highlights. For another week, no team is safe from criticism as I dig into every game from the previous week of the 2020 NFL season. Let’s do it!
Packers 34 – 49ers 17
Pissed off Aaron Rodgers tortured the 49ers U-15 team as San Francisco has everyone missing due to injuries and COVID-19. Nobody has embodied the United States spirit more than the Niners when it comes to fighting COVID, which is NOT AT ALL.
Broncos 27 – Falcons 34
If there is one aspect to Atlanta that hasn’t changed, it’s the high-powered passing game led by Matt Ryan. The Falcons won’t make the postseason, but they may just earn their way to a respectable losing record thanks to competent coaching from Raheem Morris.
As for Denver, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. All the dancing from Drew Lock in a close win over San Diego got you all the way to getting torched by a bad football team. It’s appeasing to watch Denver fall apart. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
Seahawks 34 – Bills 44
Seattle, what the hell? The once almighty and fearsome Legion of Boom has turned into a tale of the Three Blind Mice as the defense is nothing. It feels like Seattle already has three of their eleven men red-carded before the game even starts. Perennial second-tier QB Josh Allen had a field day with over 400 yards through the air and three TDs. It’s dark times for football in Cascadia.
Bears 17 – Titans 24
The Seahawks and Titans were teams I had on my radar to reach the Super Bowl. They still are, but man, there is not one team in the NFL season that stands out a cut above the rest. This may be dreaded by some NFL fans, but all this means is that we are going to get one incredible show when December football rolls around. Give me all the chaos!
Ravens 24 – Colts 10
I’m officially frustrated with Baltimore. They keep winning regular-season games because Lamar Jackson has found a loophole where he can be absolute garbage at his job, but still be able to do enough to win games. It’s remarkably annoying and he’s growing into one of my least favorite players to watch. It’s not that Jackson is bad to watch, but when you want to watch a QB, you don’t want to see them bail out for runs when they know they don’t trust their arms. I’m sick and tired of it but at least they will be out in the wild card round.
Panthers 31 – Chiefs 33
Thank the football gods for making Christian McCaffrey perfection. This was the most entertaining game of the week and Curtis Samuel is finally becoming the player many expected after his time at Ohio State.
Unfortunately, Patrick Mahomes is just too good and he’s never gonna lose a game he shouldn’t.
Lions 20 – Vikings 34
I don’t understand why people get stimulated by the Lions when they win one game. They were able to get to 3-3, but have dropped two games since. Dalvin Cook, once again, proved to be the best running back in the league as he ran through a defense that thinks only 10 men go on the field.
Fat Patricia’s firing better be on the horizon.
Giants 23 – Washington [Soon-to-be noun] 20
All of us:
Texans 27 – Jaguars 25
Raiders 31 – Chargers 26
One thing San Diego can takeaway from the season at this point is that they are the greatest 2-6 team ever. Seriously, the curse of Charger-itis is so bad that Justin Herbert could walk away with the Offensive Rookie of the Year Award at 4-12. He’s so good, but the Chargers can’t win no matter what, and to be honest, it’s beautiful.
As for the Raiders, they should be happy to know that they can be mediocre and still win tight games. It bolds well for later on the season when they are fighting for a playoff spot. Good job, boys.
Steelers 24 – Cowboys 19
Goddammit, the Steelers are the worst 8-0 team I’ve ever seen. Sure, they are going to grind out wins because Mike Tomlin is one of the greatest coaches in NFL history, but holy crap… Big Ben is washed, the running game is nothing and the receiving corp is just bland. There’s absolutely no finesse from Pittsburgh and I don’t see them being a threat in the postseason.
Tony Pollard > Ezekiel Elliott.
Dolphins 34 – Cardinals 31
Brian Flores, thank you. Everyone I know at my school is getting overly-hyped for the Cardinals and it feels great to see them get humbled by Miami. Tua looked respectable and adds to the, what is now, STACKED rookie QB class.
For Arizona, it’s simple — they lack the necessary discipline it takes to win key ball games. It begins with the head coach. Kliff Kingsbury can create a flashy offense, but when the going gets tough, he panics and makes every wrong decision. It’s like watching Leon Lett be a head coach.
Saints 38 – Buccaneers 3
It’s official, Tampa Brady is a system QB. Belichick-less Brady had no answer for the New Orleans defense. Three INTs and no TDs, how embarrassing when you have Antonio Brown, Mike Evans and Gronk all as threats. The panic meter should be at a full 10 for the Bucs.
Patriots 30 – Jets 27
Man oh man, it’s saying something when New England is happy to squeak one out against THE JETS. The once fearsome Patriots now bring out the same fear that the Hash-Slinging Slasher brought when it came into the light.