After a one-week hiatus, the Rich Reactions to the 2020 NFL season are back. This is the perfect time to return as Halloween is over and there’s no more stress that the country has to go through because it’s officially the holiday season. *turns on TV* OH nooooo. Well, hopefully you can find some solace for a couple of minutes with this latest edition.
As always, TRIGGER WARNING.
Falcons 25 – Panthers 17
The Falcons sure tried everything in their power to blow this one. It’s bad enough that even ESPN has to emphasize that “this time, the Atlanta Falcons finished.” I really like what Carolina is building but their lack of a strong roster has probably eliminated them from the playoff race. At least we got XFL action as P.J. Walker got reps. Congrats to you, P.J. We can’t wait to see you play for The Rock in the near future.
Patriots 21 – Bills 24
It’s happening ladies and gentlemen!! For the first time since 2008, the Union has collapsed. Although Buffalo still looked like frauds, thank the heavens Cam Newton forgets how to take care of the ball in clutch situations. He emphasizes his snazzy outfit choices in press conferences over just doing the little things to win games.
New England is over and you love to see it!
Titans 20 – Bengals 31
What have I been saying this entire season? Like Joe Biden flipping previously red states to blue, Daddy Joe is flipping the sexualities of male football fans as he continues to glisten every week with his beauty. His victim this week, the AFC South-leading Tennessee Titans. It’s a shocking victory, to say the least as the “Roi de Bayou” put the sword through the Music City Kaiju.
Raiders 16 – Browns 6
An ugly game, NO MATTER THAT. The Autumn Wind was howling in the Dawg Pound as the bus known as Josh Jacobs, plowed through the Cleveland defense. Sure, Daniel Carlson’s first field goal attempt was kicked horizontally, but he responded with three glorious crosses through the yellow poles to net the Sin-City Pirates a W.
Colts 41 – Lions 21
Make up your damn minds, Lions. Do you want to keep Fat Patricia or are you gonna play so bad that you rightfully fire him now? Nice run game you got there as Jamal Agnew (WHO?) led the team in rushing yards on ONE FREAKING CARRY. On top of that, Philip didn’t Philip and you let the useless fantasy player Nyheim Hines score two goddamn touchdowns. UGHHHH. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
Vikings 28 – Packers 22
Blood is being shed in Green Bay. A team that was looking to cruise to the Super Bowl with pissed-off Aaron Rodgers is now pissed themselves as they lost to the colonizers of The North. Dalvin Cook paid homage to his Seminole-lineage by continuing appropriation with three TDs and 163 yards on the ground. I guess Green Bay chose not to pack the meat against him.
Jets 9 – Chiefs 35
I’m truly at a loss for words. Color me shocked if I ever find a Jets fan six feet above ground instead of below. The third week of plagues comes in the form of KC BBQ swag surfin’ in the middle of the game.
Rams 17 – Dolphins 28
Can somebody finally admit that Brian Flores is the best head coach in the NFL? An 0-16 roster went 5-11 last year and now the team is in the playoff picture with rookie QB Tua Tagovailoa. Granted he threw under 100 yards but that’s because he didn’t need to do anything because Jared Goff is a fraud. Two putrid fumbles returned for TDs. Wait, is Cam Newton your QB?
Steelers 28 – Ravens 24
There’s never been an undefeated team more underwhelming than the Steelers. Big Ben is inconsistent, JuJu has gone silent and forget about the run game. Luckily, the defense collected four turnovers and two TDs as Lamar Jackson continues to make his case for why his Heisman and MVP award need to be burned to ash.
Chargers 30 – Broncos 31
I’m genuinely pissed off. We all have to show empathy to Justin Herbert because he’s playing great. Unfortunately, he’s been cursed with Charger-itis -— choking away games where the opponent has no chance of winning. Yes, San Diego handing another win to a team that at their very best, STINKS.
IT WAS 24-3. Anthony Lynn, WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING? You are costing bros a chance to get head coaching jobs in this league because you couldn’t hold a lead if the opposing players were frozen solid in ice.
Also, Drew Lock, here’s a message from Dana White on your on-field dancing:
Saints 26 – Bears 23 (F/OT)
You can be happy that the Bayou congregation is 5-2 but man oh man there looks to be little hope that they can make a deep playoff run. They are good enough to win games but the Saints aren’t as fun as they were when they had that crazy shootout with the 49ers last season. I’m sure this is Brees’ final season.
49ers 27 – Seahawks 37
Chalk here. I don’t really want to make fun of San Francisco because they are trying to survive with the equivalent of European club’s U-15 squad. *Check thumbnail*
Cowboys 9 – Eagles 23
For a third-straight week:
Buccaneers 25 – Giants 23
We were a pass interference call away from it being canon that the Giants are Tom Brady’s kryptonite. Alas, it didn’t happen but at least it sets up an epic showdown for the NFC South lead on Sunday Night Football.
By the way, Danny Dimes is f**king garbage.