So you decided to come back even though you can’t handle the onslaught of sailer tongue with this column. I promise you, it’s only going to get more vulgar as the season goes along and the Raiders inevitably let me down. It was a highly-intriguing week of professional leather bacon. Let’s talk about it.
Texans 36 – Titans 42 (OT)
Romeo Crennel has turned the Houston Texans into a respectable team at the drop of a dime. The team is having fun again as for a second-straight week, they give the middle finger to a bed-stricken Bill.
However, Ryan Tannehill is a franchise quarterback again and Derrick Henry is a mobile brick wall and has the second-level of speed of an elite kick returner. He can’t be beat. Tennessee is a Super Bowl contender.
Bengals 27 – Colts 31
Untimely interceptions were the name of the game in this battle of the pastiest QBs you will ever meet. Philip nearly Philip’d the game away for Indy but it would be Daddy Joe burrowing the game away for Cincinnati as the growing pains continue.
Falcons 40 – Vikings 23
Atlanta gave the ole’ “FUCK YOU” to Dan Quinn as Matt Ryan soared over the colonizers of the North in dominant fashion. It wasn’t close and now Mike Zimmer may be the next man out as he was frozen solid. He even inserted Ameer Abdullah into the game as if he was one of those psychiatric-ward patient Nebraska fans who think the Cornhuskers will be good at the start of every season. They are never. Minnesota, you have problems.
Broncos 18 – Patriots 12
Cam Newton gave (former Twitter handle: @patfanatic34) hope that the Patriots could still playoff hopefuls — that was flat-out murdered as Cam went through PTSD all day long against the team he choked to in Super Bowl 50. He was pitiful. Thanks a lot, Patriots. The Broncos are supposed to fucking suck and now you have them on a two-game winning streak.
Denver won another football game, FUCKKKKKKKK.
Washington [No results found] 19 – Giants 20
The week of the pitiful, fucking awful NFC East kicked off in a shitshow, tank bowl between the football team and the, by default, best New Jersey team. There’s really nothing to say about either franchise as they both are doing their best to suck for Trevor Lawrence. However, one of these teams can still be rewarded with the prize of an NFC East title. Both teams are 1-5 but only sit one game out of first place. Fuck this division.
Ravens 30 – Eagles 28
I have a really hard time in liking the 5-1 Ravens. It’s another week where running back Lamar Jackson threw under 200 yards. This time, Baltimore’s defense faltered late and squandered 22 fourth-quarter points to Carson Wince. The only bright spot for Philly has come in the form of rising wide receiver Travis Fuckem.
Browns 7 – Steelers 38
It was the opportunity for Baker Mayfield and co. to finally show that the city of Cleavage, Ohio is ready for the postseason. Instead, the team was poisoned with laxatives as they suffered from explosive diarrhea against Pittsburgh’s defense. How far can Cleavage fall you say? How about the insertion of Case Keenum because Mayfield kept targeting steel bees instead of Bayou Bengals. This franchise is still a fucking joke and I’m ashamed of picking them to pull off the upset. Fuck you, Cleavage.
Bears 23 – Panthers 16
Nick Foles could have a QBR of zero but the football gods will still gift him a victory because of the aura surrounding his enormous chungus. The Bears are an awful 5-1 and if it wasn’t for Khalil Mack, there’s no way they lead the NFC North. Fuck me, it’s going to be hilarious watching Chicago get fucked in the postseason.
Lions 34 – Jaguars 16
Here’s a nice pat on the back, Fat Patricia. What? You thought I would perform fellatio on you after defeating Jacksoffville? A team with no roster except for the sexy stache? Come on, get with the program. Hey, at least you have the same record as New England.
Jets 0 – Dolphins 24
Do you hate yourselves yet, Jets fan? The Seven Plagues of Adam Gase have arrived now, and the first is the absolute flooding of New Jersey and carnivorous dolphins feasting on the lives of 53 men.
How do you add on to the plagues? You attempt a field goal down 24 and miss it. I have no interest in the Jets and they even make me want to bash my brains in. What a joke.
Packers 10 – Buccaneers 38
If you wanted to know who the GOAT was between Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brad…wait, why the fuck are we still debating this? Rodgers hasn’t beaten a team better than Green Bay in years and turned into Matt Flynn against a Tampa Bay team that has discovered the fountain of youth.
Brady and Gronk have discovered each other once again and the NFL world should be grimacing. The Bucs look good and in prime position to make a playoff run. Now, they will have to deal with Jon Gruden looking to avenge the catalyst for why you all hate Tom Brady.
Rams 16 – 49ers 24
Oh no…a resurgence? Jimmy Garglepolo looked decent against a sus LA Rams squad. Seriously, what the fuck happened? I was too busy watching the Dodgers overcome a 3-1 series deficit. The Seahawks are laughing at this division. It’s a cakewalk for them.
Chiefs 26 – Bills 17
There was a point in time when Josh Allen lied to us about being a franchise quarterback. Thank you to the whistleblowers of Tennessee and Kansas City for exposing the truth. Allen is, quite frankly, just an average QB with a lot of talent around him and a good coach. These last two weeks could be all the NFL world needs to see to know Allen won’t lead Buffalo to the promised land and choke like Jim Kelly.
Cardinals 38 – Cowboys 10
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Even when Kyler Murray chucks the ball out of AT&T Stadium, the Cowboys couldn’t do anything. ANYTHING. Andy Dalton is awful and he preferred same-name tight end over the best trio of receivers in football.
Dallas is a fucking joke and the whole world can bask in the glory. However, Dallas could still win the division with a 5-11 record. Did I already say fuck the NFC East?
P.S. Fuck the Denver Broncos