It’s everyone’s favorite column of the week as I go unprofessional and deliver my uncensored thoughts on the previous week in the NFL.
TRIGGER WARNING: Sentence-enhancers used
Buccaneers 19 – Bears 20
There are now two quarterbacks that are better than Tom Brady all-time and they are the lesser Manning and BIG. DICK. NICK. It’s good to be reassured that Brady is a mid-tier QB without his master in Bill Belichick. 25/41? Come on, Tom…
Jaguars 14 – Texans 30
Romeo Crennel is the oldest head coach in NFL history and is now the winningest coach in Texans history (percentage-wise) after making the Texans look respectable again. Outside the two interceptions, Deshaun Watson looked like he was having fun and Brandin Cooks is finally being utilized. It becomes even more satisfying when you know that JJ Watt was among those begging for little Bill to kick rocks. There might be hope for Houston to redeem themselves this season.
Panthers 23 – Falcons 16
The Carolina Panthers are now 3-0 without Christian Bale McCaffrey. Teddy Long Bridgewater is turning into an elite quarterback under Matt Rhule and Joe Brady. In terms of the NFC Wild Card picture, they are looking really good.
As for Atlanta, FINALLY! The city had their catharsis Monday as Sir Chokes-a-lot, Dan Quinn, kicked the bucket in terms of his coaching career. No more choking, Falcons. Next step, trade Matt Ryan and tank for Trevor or Justin.
Raiders 40 – Chiefs 32
The Oakland-LA Raiders of Vegas took their swords and pillaged the Stadium of Arrowhead tap water. They were disgusted by the cultural appropriation in the Great Plains and made the Chiefs’ secondary wish they had never been born.
Someone in the locker room this week finally grabbed Derek Carr and while shaking him said, “THROW THE FUCKING BALL DOWNFIELD, YOU COWARD”. He responded, and it was beautiful scenes of glorious joy and emotion. The RAAAAAAAAAIDERS are better than the Chiefs. CRY.
Cardinals 30 – Jets 10
Kyler Murray rediscovered his confidence and the Jets…did a Jets — whatever it is that they do. Just days later, New York finally made a firing..oh shit, it was LE’VEON BELL AND NOT ADAM GASE?? Good Christ Almighty, this is a dumpster fire of epic proportions. If any entity of sports deserves the Seven Plagues, it’s the Jets.
Eagles 29 – Steelers 38
WHERE IS JUJU, BEN? Nobody has Chase Claypool in fantasy football. Stop throwing him the ball. In other news, Philly didn’t look like a joke at Heinz Field. However, this will prove to be a fluke and the Eagles will go back to sucking this Sunday against the Ravens.
Rams 30 – Washington [Beep, Beep, Beep} 10
I can’t stress how warm my heart was seeing Alex Smith back on the field just a few years removed from a horrendous injury and one of the craziest recovery processes I have seen. Then, five minutes later, reality hit as his first contact came from Aaron Donald jumping on his back. Smith will play football again but it can’t be with this awful, [redacted] franchise.
Bengals 3 – Ravens 27
It will be OK, Daddy Joe. You played the Ravens and you don’t have a roster surrounding you. Don’t stop being great. Running back Lamar Jackson threw under 200 yards for a third-straight game. If we are going to take Baltimore seriously as a playoff contender, they have to solve their passing game. Their roster is stacked but they are heading toward a third-straight early exit from the postseason.
Dolphins 43 – 49ers 17
Let the celebrations begin. Jimmy Garglepolo’s days as a quarterback are over as he threw two INTs in 17 passing attempts. Now, it’s up to the man who beats it hard to take the reigns of San Fran.
Trade for Matt Ryan.
Ryan. Fitzpatrick. The sexy beard was fabulous again as he was nearly perfect in his pass attempts and threw for three TDs. Brian Flores continues to prove to be an excellent coach in this league and Miami is, quite possibly, only a year away from playoff contention.
Colts 23 – Browns 32
*brain computing Cleveland’s current record* This doesn’t make sense. How is Cleveland 4-1? The Browns? The Cleveland Browns? At 4-1? Color me shocked. Baker Mayfield continues to impress. It would be a shame if it fell apart.
*Checks Sunday’s matchup*
Philip Philip’d in the most Philip game that could be Philip’d. Philip Philip’d enough to make Indy look like Philly.
Giants 34 – Cowboys 37
The football gods are cruel. Dak Prescott doesn’t deserve this kind of injury. He’s a class act on and off the field and I felt some true pain watching him cry while on the cart. Silver lining – it could very well be his final game under Mike McC….Jerry Jones.
Go get Dak in the offseason, Saints.
Vikings 26 – Seahawks 27
I can’t believe I slept through this one. Damn you, Seattle defense. Are you going to give up 100 points in the NFC Title Game and Super Bowl? How much weight does Mussell Wilson need to carry in order to stay undefeated? You played Derp Cousins for crying out-loud.
Chargers 27 – Saints 30
SCREW YOU, JUSTIN HERBERT HATERS. The man has a FAT SACK OF NUTS and nearly walked into the Superdome and took out New Orleans. But the Chargers aren’t deserving of wins. It’s just how it goes. Even when Drew Brees looks like Old Man Jenkins, the franchise just isn’t deserving of wins.
Bills 16 – Titans 42
The Titans are a legit Super Bowl contender and look better than last year. They blew out a really good Bills team and then Taylor Lewan went to say, fuck you all for shitting on us for getting COVID, after the game.
Josh Allen didn’t just get punched in the mouth, he took a Titan kick to the dick. Buffalo will need to turn it around fast and hope they don’t get feasted on like wings against the Chiefs.