It’s time for my favorite segment of the week once again. I get to rant about every game from the NFL in as unprofessional of a matter as I can be. Let’s get right into it.
Broncos 37 – Jets 28
The Jets failed once again by allowing Adam Gase to walk out of MetLife with a job. This franchise is a f**king disgrace and can’t even beat one of the most injury-riddled teams in the league. Allowing Denver a win brings great sadness to my being. You are heading into FOLD THE FRANCHISE territory, New York. Get your s**t together.
Saints 35 – Lions 29
I’ve never seen a team more miserable being up double digits than the Detroit Patriots. Matt Patricia has been one of the most incompetent coaches in the last decade and proceeded to throw shade at former coach Jim Caldwell. It’s time to go, Matt. Sincerely, f**k you.
Chargers 31 – Buccaneers 38
Maybe Tom Brady isn’t a system quarterback after all. He was able to rally Tampa from a double-digit deficit. Justin Herbert, thank you for showing the haters that you are a great QB and are going to have the Chargers in playoff contention within a year or two.
Jaguars 25 – Bengals 33
It’s the daddies Joe in Cincinnati as both Mixon and Burrow were able to defeat the enigma that is Gardner Minshew. Once the Bengals can build a roster, they are going to be a scary team.
Vikings 31 – Texans 23
OH BASK IN THE GLORY, HOUSTON. Bill O’Brien is gone and his swan song saw him allow Dalvin Cook to run a train right through him and Kirk Cousins showing signs of life. It was a good run, Bill. You wasted Deshaun Watson’s early years and traded a future Hall of Fame wide receiver. Happy Trails, you fruit loop.
Seahawks 31 – Dolphins 23
Miami may be 1-3 but they are fighting in every game. In two of the last three weeks, they’ve nearly taken out Buffalo and Seattle. They have a bright future ahead. As for Russell Wilson, please do not get hurt. We are all banking on a Seahawks-Chiefs Super Bowl to kickoff 2021.
Browns 49 – Cowboys 38
When your QB throws 500 yards and four TDs but you have no chance of winning, who do you call? JERRY JONES, GODDAMMIT, THAT’S WHO. What the f**k is wrong with this franchise? They were shelled last season because Jason Garrett didn’t want the ball thrown more than five yards. Now, Mike McCarthy allows Dak to do Dak things and the defense decides to go zen during games. There is a culture problem in Dallas. It begins with nerfing the toxic fanbase but let’s focus on getting Jones away from the franchise beforehand.
Cardinals 21 – Panthers 31
Oh my God, the Panthers are better without Christian McCaffrey. They remain undefeated without their star player. Kyler Murray may have some confidence issues as he has decided to only throw for five yards on every completion. These are two teams who could be that third wild card team and Carolina currently has the upper hand.
Ravens 31 – Washington [WARNING: Sensitive content] 17
All the “Lamar Jackson is a running back” people are validating themselves once again as Jackson once again threw under 200 yards. On the other side of the ball, Dwayne Haskins has one of the more consistent games of his career and Washington tells him to go f**k himself. He’s not moving to a backup role. No, he will be the third-string behind Alex Smith.
Giants 9 – Rams 17
Yes, “LA”. Let the underwhelming performances begin. You nearly let Danny Dimes beat you. The running game was absent and Jared Goff didn’t look great throwing the ball. If the 49ers weren’t all in ICU, you would be the worst team in the NFC West. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
Bills 30 – Raiders 23
NO REDZONE SUCCESS. NO QUARTERBACK. COSTLY TURNOVERS.
This is Las Vegas, right? How about in 2021, you guys go all in on paying Dak Prescott? Offer him ownership of half the Strip. Do whatever you need to do because Derek Carr is definitely not it.
Colts 19 – Bears 11
Not even Nick Foles, who has been deemed as a man with an abnormally large chungus between his legs, could handle a secretly-elite defense in Indianapolis. Philip Rivers still looks 80-years old but the defense is showing up and turning the Colts into a playoff contender.
Eagles 25 – 49ers 20
George Kittle, thank you for the fantasy points. Nick Mullens, you’ve let me down. You sucked against a garbage Philadelphia team and were benched by a man with the last name BEAT-HARD. Jimmy G cannot come back and be the starting QB. You blew it, Nick. You really blew it. F**k you.
Carson Wentz still sucks.
Patriots 10 – Chiefs 26
You have this, New England. Led by the Jedi master Bill Belichick, you will go and upset the Chiefs in Kansa…..WHY DID YOU TAKE THAT SACK, BRIAN HOYER? GODDAMN. You had a chance. It was there for the taking. YOU BLEW IT YOU FRUIT LOOP. Head to the showers and consider bulldozing your playing career.
Falcons 16 – Packers 30
Pissed off Aaron Rodgers versus the choke artists of the century. How did you expect this to play out? Don’t worry Matt Ryan. We have a plan for you.