Oh baby, it’s time for another edition of crazy reactions to every NFL game from the previous week. Let’s see who gets torched.
Dolphins 31 – Jaguars 13
Please don’t panic on Gardner Minshew, Mr. Caldwell. Brian Flores is an outstanding head coach and Fitzmagic gonna Fitzmagic. Do not get trapped in the Tank for Trevor sweepstakes. Minshew Mania is here to stay!
49ers 36 – Giants 9
Good God almighty, Giants. You let San Francisco’s developmental team run amok in your own stadium. Nick Mullens, thank you for proving you can be competent in this league and ending the Jimmy G era in San Francisco. That is happening, right???
Washington [redacted] 20 – Browns 34
Alright Baker, you have me intrigued but you don’t fully have my attention yet. If you can beat the Cowboys on Sunday, you may just be in a good position to reach the postseason. Keep up the good work. As for Washington, somehow, someway, you might steal a division title this year.
Bengals 23 – Eagles 23 (F/OT)
Hey Eagles, THERE IS A REASON WHY YOU WON THE SUPER BOWL WITH NICK FOLES. Granted, Carson Wentz was injured but holy s**t, he is an awful QB. A tie versus the Bengals?? AT HOME??? It’s time to blow it up in the City of Brotherly Love. Maybe y’all can tank for Trevor — call that a Philly Special. Get out of my sight.
*whispers*: “college OT rules”
Raiders 20 – Patriots 36
F**KING, F**K DEREK F**KING CARR. Of course, he pulls me in one week after the Saints upset, and ruins my life just six days later. Derek, you made me enter a NASCAR track angrily and that does not sit well with me. Go through your progressions for once and stop check down-ing when a defender comes within six feet of you. We are not social distancing on the gridiron. Get your mind right before I literally beg Gruden to insert Mariota.
Bears 30 – Falcons 26
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Damn you, Falcons. I thought it couldn’t get any worse after the 28-3 mess in your Super Bowl appearance. You one-upped that in Week 2 against the Cowboys because you thought you had to wait for the ball to cross 10 yards as the ONSIDE RECOVERY team. BUT THEN YOU BLOW A LEAD TO THE BEARS? THE BEARS????? How Dan Quinn was allowed to leave the stadium with a job, I really don’t know. It’s time to blow it up and now you give Chicago fans false hope that they are a playoff contender at 3-0. This is the worst 3-0 team I’ve ever seen. However, thank God that the Lover of Breasts is no longer the QB. His tenure was three seasons too long. Both of you, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
Rams 32 – Bills 35
Dammit Buffalo, you nearly became the Falcons. Josh Allen, you are an elite QB. Buffalo defense, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? You are supposed to be the 2017 Jaguars defense and you are giving me Patriots defense against the Eagles in their Super Bowl. Get your s**t figured out.
Texans 21 – Steelers 28
Whew, Mike Tomlin nearly made Bill O’Brien look like he has half-competence. No coach in their right mind would have Deshaun Watson at 0-3. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, BILL.
Ben Roethlisberger, please find what identity you want to go with. Are you injured or are you elite?
Titans 31 – Vikings 30
Dalvin Cook is an elite running back. It’s a damn shame his QB is Kirk Cousins. However, Justin Jefferson might just be a savior for Cousins after a breakout game with 175 receiving yards.
Ryan Tannehill is a proven QB and worth the money, and if he can be great along with a stellar performance from Derrick Henry, Tennessee is a legit Super Bowl contender. Keep up the stellar work.
Panthers 21 – Chargers 16
The Carolina Panthers are undefeated without Christian McCaffrey. What the actual f**k is wrong with you, Anthony Lynn? First, you hand the Chiefs a victory after punting in overtime, and then you lose to a McCaffrey-less Panthers team with a first-year head coach. GET THE ABSOLUTE F**K OUT OF MY SIGHT, Chargers.
Jets 7 – Colts 36
I am all in on a Super Bowl between the Jets and Giants. If you’ve been to New York City, you would know that matchup sums up the streets of Manhattan — there’s a rich history but currently, everything is foul and musty. The funny part about this season is that the bad teams are really bad, but the good teams, with the exception of Seattle and Kansas City, are just OK. That’s where I see the Colts right now.
Cowboys 31 – Seahawks 38
Back to reality, I really love Russell Wilson and I am hype for the potential Seahawks-Chiefs Super Bowl.
I really don’t know where the Cowboys stand. Dak Prescott is outstanding and a top-three QB in the NFL behind Mahomes and Wilson. However, Zeke is full-on garbage. 14 carries on 34 yards? Christ. I hope he has an excuse against the O-line because these are some booty performances, cereal man. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
Lions 26 – Cardinals 23
Finally, Detroit, you didn’t crush my brother’s weekend. Going into Arizona and beating a youthful team with a lot of confidence is huge. Kyler Murray threw three picks. Next week could be a determining factor on where his confidence will be, and if Arizona can be a playoff contender.
Buccaneers 28 – Broncos 10
It brings tears of joy to my eyes to see the Broncos be terrible. It’s glorious to watch and makes up for Carr being a piece of s**t. Keep up the good work, Denver. I’m loving it!
Scotty Miller is still a fraud.
Packers 37 – Saints 30
Be honest Green Bay front office, y’all knew exactly what you were doing drafting Jordan Love in the first round. You pissed off Aaron Rodgers to the point where he became an MVP candidate again. The defense still sucks but man, this offense is giving me nightmares.
Saints…..I hate saying this but your time as contenders in the NFC is up. You are tier two.
Chiefs 34 – Ravens 20
Lamar Jackson is a fraud.
Patrick Mahomes is unstoppable. I am still amazed on a week-to-week basis of the magician this man is. Congratulations, Chiefs, you are winning back-to-back Super Bowls and there is no one who can stop you.