This is going to be a new segment where I give some casual thoughts on every game from the previous week in the NFL. With a plethora of scary injuries putting a stain on the season this early, this isn’t the ideal week to begin this, but I do what I want.
Bengals 30 – Browns 35
Baker Mayfield played competent enough to defeat Cincinnati but the true offensive showcase from the one-two punch in the backfield from Kareem Hunt and Nick Chubb. This is the best running back corp in football and should give Mayfield some relief when he will inevitably fall apart in the coming games.
The future is bright for the Bengals as Joe Burrow looked, not only phenomenal, but a poised, veteran QB in just his second start. He’s nearly put Cincinnati in a position to go 2-0, but it’s the rest of the team that can’t get the job done for him. There is a base though with a group of young receivers in Tyler Boyd and Tee Higgins, and a phenomenal running back in Joe Mixon.
Giants 13 – Bears 17
The football gods claimed another A+ victim as Saquon Barkley suffered a torn ACL. After that, you could have turned the TV off as both teams fought hard to lose the game. Miraculously, Chicago is 2-0 but still full of incompetence….and OH MY GOD, THEY TAKE ON THE FALCONS NEXT WEEKEND.
Falcons 39 – Cowboys 40
This would go down as the worst loss in Falcons’ history had they not tragically led 28-3 in the 2017 Super Bowl. HOW DO YOU NOT DIVE ON THE FOOTBALL WHEN YOU ARE THE ONSIDE KICK RECOVERY TEAM??? Olamide Zaccheaus should never see the football field again. Side note: Where the hell is Julio Jones?
Dak Prescott is all-world, while Ezekiel Elliott is now Todd Gurley, and the defense…yikes. Russell Wilson could very well throw for 500 yards next Sunday.
Lions 21 – Packers 42
Fire Matt Patricia. The fire that occurred during the New York Mets game was actually just Bob Quinn taking a stroll around Queens.
Jaguars 30 – Titans 33
Ryan Tannehill is living up to his ludicrous contract, while Gardner Minshew is slowly growing into the most lovable QB in the league. The “Tank for Trevor” sweepstakes may be out of Jacksonville’s hands if he continues to pull a Sebastian Vettel at the 2013 Malaysian Grand Prix. “Multi 21, Gardner. Multi 21” – David Caldwell said angrily.
Vikings 11 – Colts 28
The Colts weren’t impressive more so than Kirk Cousins just flat out deciding to be the worst QB of the week (9.4 QBR). How can you be so clutch against the Saints at the Superdome in a playoff game but look so bad against Indianapolis??
Hey Colts, thanks for costing me a fantasy win this week by throwing Nyheim Hines down the garbage chute.
Bills 31 – Dolphins 28
Contrary to belief, Josh Allen is a good, even great, QB now. The trade for Stefon Diggs is proving to be genius. However, the defense that is supposed to be among the elite in the NFL looked sus against Ryan Fitzpatrick. It must be turned around fast if they still want to be recognized as a true contender.
49ers 31 – Jets 13
MetLife became ground zero for the football gods’ wrath as San Francisco lost nearly all their star players to injury. Raheem Mostert, Richard Sherman, Jimmy Garoppolo will be out for a few weeks while defensive-line standouts Solomon Thomas and Nick Bosa will miss the rest of the season with torn ACLs. Whyyyyyy?????
All those who thought the Jets would see some type of improvement must’ve forgot that Adam Gase is still a damn head coach in the NFL. Everything about the franchise is a total nightmare at the moment. They won’t win more than two games this season.
Rams 37 – Eagles 19
The Rams are back, while it is time for Jalen Hurts to take over in Philly.
Broncos 21 – Steelers 26
Jeff Driskel is what Bronco fans thought Drew Lock was going to be coming into this season. Their supposed Lord and Savior will miss a few weeks with an injury but Driskel just may keep Denver from accidentally having a chance to draft Trevor Lawrence.
Big Ben needs to decide if he is still injured or if we are living in 2014 again.
Panthers 17 – Buccaneers 31
We may just have to accept that Teddy Bridgewater can’t overcome just how bad the rest of the Carolina roster is, and now winning will be impossible as Christian McCaffrey will miss over a month of football.
Scotty Miller is a total fraud.
Washington [redacted] 15 – Cardinals 30
We are living in glorious times right now as the black QB renaissance is fully engaged. Kyler Murray is an early challenger for MVP, while the defense starts to be formidable.
Dwayne Haskins could have done something last Sunday had there not been five lawn gnomes blocking for him.
Chiefs 23 – Chargers 20 (F/OT)
Justin Herbert had a gutsy performance in a last-second decision by the team to make his debut. He was not afraid to make some throws in a tight-window and did enough for San Dieg… to pull off the upset. However, Anthony Lynn was kind enough to gift Patrick Mahomes a possession in OT, and that was all she wrote. Harrison Butker closed the deal with a kick that could’ve hit The Forum across the street.
Ravens 33 – Texans 16
Launch Bill O’Brien into outer space.
Patriots 30 – Seahawks 35
The Patriots offense is the most exciting it has ever been as Cam Newton actually possesses two legs. He looks healthy and happy, teasing at a potential return to form a la 2015. A trade for a deep-ball threat could see New England as a certified playoff team. *whispers* “Get AJ Green”
Russell Wilson is an unstoppable beast with improbable throw after improbable throw. Seattle looks poised to reach the Super Bowl.
Saints 24 – Raiders 34
Father Time looks to remain undefeated as Drew Brees looked OLD against a bad secondary. Good thing Taysom Hill exists….oh, he barely saw the field? Good thing you have the 2019 leader in passing yards…wait, you forgot that he’s on the roster?? Where were Cameron Jordan and Emmanuel Sanders?
Darren Waller and Josh Jacobs must be protected at all costs, while Derek Carr has dragged me back into making me feel as passionate as Terrell Owens was about Tony Romo. The Death Star is fully operational in Sin City.